And it all ended in a really vulgar poop joke

Yesterday:

Macduff woke around 7:30am. Luckily, ford fanatic took over and occupied him until 9:30 when I woke up. Finally got to shower somewhere around 10:45 at which point I realized we needed to buy something for our neighbor's birthday party. It was scheduled to start at 1:00pm. And we were running ridiculously low in diapers.
11:45am: feed macduff, dress him, load up the car with all necessary baby gear.
12:15pm: arrive at toy store, find appropriate '1-year old little girl' presents: pink chatter telephone and princess see-n-say. Go to the diaper section and find that they have NO diapers in macduff's size.
12:40pm: arrive at the Mart, find appropriate pink wrapping paper, ribbon, and card. Go to the diaper section and find that they have NO diapers even in the brand macduff prefers.
1:15pm: arrive at baby store, get distracted by clearance items. Go to the diaper section and find that they have NO diapers in macduff's size. Settle for the next size up, which will fit him, according to the pound requirement.
2:00pm: arrive home. Feed macduff. Wrap presents. Find macduff's sunglasses.
2:30pm: walk over to the party. Birthday girl is already mashing her face into the cake. Presents have already been opened. Everyone looks at us like, "who are those people?!" The house is 79` -- literally. I looked at the thermosdat. Twice. We eat a piece of cake and ford fanatic gets called to work.
3:00pm: macduff gets cranky either because it's so hot, so noisy, or because of diaper issues. I take him home and change him -- outfit, bib, diaper. We reluctantly return to the party. Ford fanatic still isn't home.
3:15pm: my chair has been usurped by the neighbor's relatives. I wander into the living room and there are no seats available. I sit on the floor with macduff and watch in awe as a 5-year old go into a tantrum because she didn't have more whistles in her goodie bag. She nearly tramples over me and macduff and pours her goodie bag on the floor in front of us while the mother keeps repeating -- "don't leave your candy out; there's too many babies here. don't leave your candy out; there's too many babies here. don't leave your..."
3:30pm: luckily, the phone rings. evilducky and her mom plan to bring by some pie. I try to make my way to leave and one of the neighbor's relatives realizes we're from next door and wants to hold macduff. He politely entertains and offers up a few smiles, then starts to get squirmy. We make our escape.
3:45pm: evilducky and her mom arrive and bring pie. Yum. ford fanatic arrives home.
4:00pm: retreat to upstairs to feed macduff and attempt getting him to sleep in his own bed in the nursery. I turn on the computer and hope to get some work accomplished.
4:30pm: macduff awakes. I rewind the mobile and stick the paci back in his mouth.
4:40pm: macduff awakes. I rewind the mobile and stick the paci back in his mouth.
4:45pm: macduff awakes.
4:50pm: macduff awakes.
4:55pm: macduff awakes.
5:00pm: ford fanatic decides he wants to go to the car show at a local community college. We begin making the necessary preparations, packing baby gear, etc.
5:45pm: we leave the house in two cars and I realize that I forgot a ponytail holder and am driving a convertible.
6:00pm: we arrive at the carshow, and it's miserably hot. I ask the parking attendant if the ponies are all gathered around somewhere. He said they're pretty spread out. I pick a random spot and park.
6:05pm: we leave to go eat. macduff loses patience, and we return to the car show.
6:45pm: we realize as we walk around that all the ponies from our car club parked in one lane -- NOT the one we parked in.
7:00pm: macduff FINALLY falls asleep. for 20 minutes.
7:30pm: we go to ford fanatic's co-worker's house to get the window fixed on the car.
8:15pm: we get home. ford fanatic is outside messing with the yard and the car. by this time, macduff is beyond pissed off. He's tired and hungry, and the longer I take, the angrier he gets. I gather up all of the bedtime gear: his jammies, socks, mittens, two blankets, burp cloth. I turn down the bed, pull the bassinet close to our bed, feed him. my mother, jet, calls and wants to know why I haven't called her today. macduff is screaming, and I ask if I can call her back.
8:45pm: I put macduff down for bed.
8:50pm: I call jet back and go through the day with her. I tell her macduff is finally asleep and I'm going to try to take a shower.
9:00pm: macduff awakes. I try feeding him again.
9:10pm: I put macduff down for bed. ford fanatic comes inside. he gets called to work.
9:15pm: I try feeding macduff again. Finally, he falls asleep.
9:20pm: I am finally able to shower.
9:40pm: I miserably crawl into bed and fall asleep with wet hair.
2:15am: the phone rings and wakes up me, macduff, and ford fanatic. He talks on the phone while still in bed. I hear macduff pooping.
2:20am: ford fanatic gets up and finishes the phone call in the kitchen. I get up and carefully try to get macduff out of bed and find his back wet -- at first I think it's sweat. But no. His explosive poop went through diaper, jammies, and a thermal blanket and onto the bedding. I lay him on his stomach and carry him upstairs to get new jammies, blanket, etc. I have to begin by changing him on his stomach and use 10 wipes cleaning from his butt all the way to the middle of his back. After cleaning him and getting him redressed, we nurse with the lights on; might as well. We're both wide awake. ford fanatic leaves for work.
3:15am: we're done nursing and return to bed.
4:00am: ford fanatic returns home.
4:30-7:30am: the routine pattern of waking, nursing, and returning to bed. macduff wakes in a rather jovial mood. I'm exhausted. Gives a whole new meaning to "I had a crappy night last night."

adventures from motherland

Monday, tiges had her annual checkup at the vet. I knew I had scheduled it soon, I just hadn't realized how soon.

"Good luck at the doctor today," ford fanatic said as he was getting ready for work. I was still in bed.
me: "What doctor's appointment?"
ff: "For tiges."
me: "Oh, I almost forgot. What time is the appointment?"
ff: "8:45." It was 8:00. And then ff left for work.

In 25 minutes I managed to get dressed, put on enough makeup not to scare people, get macduff dressed, and gather up all the necessary mom-gear to survive the 2-hour adventure of taking tiges to the doctor. We made it across town and arrived on time. Miracles happen every day.

It's probably obvious by now that I love tiges like she was a human child. But when the vet asked if I wanted to do the 'adult wellness' like I did last year which would bring her grand total to $170, I kinda flipped. I asked if we could pay part now and part later. I also started to strongly consider looking into pet insurance.

She received 2 shots and had bloodwork done, as well as a fecal sample, so she strongly empathized with macduff for he went through last week. The vet decided to give her the third shot on a different day since last year she had a strong reaction to the shots and threw up. The vet had made a notation in her chart. I hadn't remembered. So we get to go through the drama of packing dog, baby, and mom-gear AGAIN later this week.

I treated myself on the way home with a double-chocolate frappacino and an English muffin. It cost $8. I don't even spend that much when I go out to eat at a restaurant. It was SO worth it though. I went to the store that night and bought some more English muffins and tried to replicate the deliciousness the next morning. And failed. Miserably.

The bloodwork came back good for tiges, which means in addition to getting my stitches taken out on Friday, I also have to take her to get her last shot.

Oh and I burned up another boob pump. I don't know how it keeps happening; I guess I'm a magnet for buying crap. Either my boobs are getting more hardcore or the pump is losing suction; in any rate, I need to get a replacement. This means I have to go around the house and find all 25-bajillion pieces and somehow manage to get them back in the box, pack up all the necessary mom-gear, and trek across town to the local Baby Store and try not to act embarassed when returning my THIRD pump.

And finally when I got macduff to go to sleep in the bassinet rather than in the swing or in my arms, I'm starting to have sleep issues. Last night, I fed macduff at 2:00am, pumped until 3:00, and didn't fall back asleep for 3 hours, at which time, I had to feed macduff again. I think I'm starting to stress because school is less than a month away, and I feel like I've done nothing to prepare.

Pee'd off? NO! Pee'd on

Thanks thedailymeme.com.

Hump-day Humor
It's only Wednesday, and I've been pee'd on three times this week. Three. Twice it's happened in the middle of the night where I'm half asleep and don't realize it's happening until it's already all over the wall, macduff, the changing table, and me. I bought some peepee teepees -- I kid you not -- little washcloth triangles -- but can never grab them quick enough to avoid the tinkles.

no autographs please

We were in a parade today. Our area has an annual parade around the same time as Independance day and our car club decided to attend. We haven't been able to take the convertible to many car shows this summer and thought this might be a good chance to exercise our membership to the club and introduce macduff to parades.

Ford fanatic drove the pony and tiges rode on his lap, hanging over the side of the door. You would think people have never seen a dog before. Children, even adults (actually, A LOT of adults) yelled and waved at tiges like she was some sort of celebrity. Meanwhile, macduff threatened a meltdown because he was due to eat thirty minutes prior to launching into the parade route and ford fanatic thought it best not to wake him at mealtime. So I'm discreetly trying to feed macduff while not flashing my right tata to everyone on the parade route and having an abfab time. Luckily, after eating, macduff didn't turn on his siren until after we got home. Right now, tiges passed out in our room, about to have a nervous breakdown because of the fireworks and the excitement from going byebye today. Me? I'm tired. With macduff in bed (finally) I have approximately four hours before the next feeding and what am I doing? Flippin blogging.

I hope this doesn't sound overly sarcastic or down. I'm just tired.

not crying over spilt milk...

So macduff and I walked over to the sitter's today to drop off diapers, wipes, and milk for next week; I nearly cried. I decided to send him two days to get him and me used to the idea that we're not going to be around each other 24-7 when school starts up again. And while I was gathering up the single-serving bags of milk I realized I'm not going to be able to keep up with his demand when I return to work. I've been pumping two extra bags a day for the past couple weeks (granted they're not big bags -- he's still eating every two hours) and the sitter took half of what I've saved up. I also talked to a co-worker to see how she finagled a way to pump in a semi-private area at work; she said she lasted two weeks before giving up. Semi-private = the teacher's lounge bathroom (so fresh and so clean). I considered trying to pump in the nurse's office then wondered how I would do any afterschool activities like clubs. And I am SO not pumping at a faculty meeting.

Here recently it seems he's been eating more; I had him weighed before and after at the lactation services at the hospital, and he took four ounces at one sitting. It takes me at least two pumping sessions to get that much. And each time I try to pump I feel like I cheat him the feeding before because he ends up sucking loudly on his fist (I think he'd put the whole thing in his mouth if it'd fit) and looks at me impatiently and says (well, I imagine him saying, in a gruff taxi-driver voice) "HEY! You, with the tatas, feed my face!" At seven weeks, he's eleven pounds and 3 ounces of hungry baby, gaining about 1/2 pound a week.

And no, for those of you wondering, he DOES NOT sleep through the night yet. I'm lucky to get a four-hour stretch. I think I need a t-shirt that says that; no matter where we go, that's what people always ask. It's like -- that's the thing that haunted them most when they had a newborn -- which is why they ask. I'm guessing they already know the answer before they ask too. Jerks.

But let's end on a happy note: GW (GlowWorm) works again. He had a short in his battery pack and after throwing him against the back of the couch and the recliner several hundred times, I finally told ford fanatic to change the batteries. Success! the universe is at peace again.

macduff's must-have list

Fisher-Price Lil' Laugh & Learn Songs & Smiles Discovery Gym

Six-weeks into macduff's life and I already have the two original songs memorized with perfect inflection, tone, and pitch. From 8:00-8:30 every morning, we enjoy an exciting dose of this discovery gym. Although macduff does occasionally bat at the cat rattle and the bird, his greatest interest is in all things that spin: especially the bees on top. As per the song, our friends are "puppies and kitties and birdies in trees, bunnies, frogs, and bumble bees" though I'm sure after having an up-close and personal encounter with a real bumble bee, children would likely change their minds.

Fisher-Price Ocean Wonders Aquarium Cradle Swing

We couldn't survive without the swing. It swings from side to side and front to back (macduff likes both) but the thing eats batteries like crazy. We can't really complain because we got it used from a relative for free -- but advice for future buyers: try to find one that plugs in.

In addition to swinging, it has music and several water-like sound effects. Again, macduff likes both, depending on his mood.

Playskool Busy Basics Lullaby Glow Worm

Who didn't have a GlowWorm growing up? This little guy has multiple songs and his face glows a soft orange which fades at the end of the song. In the swing, macduff likes to hold GlowWorm's hand.

This originally was a gift for ford fanatic last Christmas to share with the baby.

why macduff?

Brush up your Shakespeare: remember Macbeth? No? A play about how power corrupts, Macbeth takes place in Scotland where a prophecy from three witches (remember "bubble, bubble, toil and trouble?" that's from Macbeth too) turns a once honorable battle hero to a blood-thirsty murderer. Once Macbeth hears the prophecy that he will become the ruler of Scotland, he and his wife plot to kill the king and anyone who tries to stop them. Part of Macbeth's feelings of invincibility come from hearing that "none of women born" can kill him. However, when Macbeth hires a hit on Macduff's family, Macduff vows revenge and succeeds. In one of the play's final scenes, Macduff confronts Macbeth and reveals his family secret: that he was "from his mother's womb / untimely ripped" (Macbeth 5.10.15-16), therefore not "of woman born." Macduff takes the life of Macbeth, restores the peace, and becomes the hero of this Shakespearean tragedy.